terrified of what's inside

    Sometimes, I get this feeling that I have some huge plot purpose behind me. Like I’m supposed to write something huge or some big decision is about to be made by me. It would almost be like a god complex if it wasn’t for the fact that, even as I feel these things, I don’t think I’m qualified to do them. For example, I’m sitting on my couch after watching a few episodes of a tv show, and I’m sitting here at 15 years old listening to The Smashing Pumpkins; and I feel like I’m important somehow, and that I’m close to figuring something out. This feeling takes a hold of something inside of me, maybe anxiety or maybe adrenaline (both have the same way of twisting up my insides) and it makes me feel like I’m forgetting something big. Then, when I try to think about what I’m supposed to be doing I can’t think of a thing. Or sometimes I have a burst of complete focus and concentration, but I can’t find anything to use it for. I feel like I’m missing a big picture.

Talking about it reminds me of the feeling I get after I text someone something or respond to people. I have this split second of panic where I often end up going back to see if I wrote what I actually think I wrote. I’ll text a simple sentence to a friend, and then I’ll be panicking and checking my phone to see if I said what I meant to say, it’s almost like I’m afraid that I’m going to say some huge thing, but I’m not sure what I’m so worried about saying. I’m acting like people do when they have a huge secret, but I don’t even know what the huge secret is (or if there is a secret at all).

Writing about this, honestly, it psychs me out. I feel like I’m missing some huge part of all of this that everybody else knows. Something that I’m supposed to be understanding somehow, or something I should be acting about differently.

You know what they say about being able to tell your therapist things you can’t tell anybody else? I think I’m getting there. But I think you know more than what I do about myself.

    I’ve been thinking about how much I wish my brain was more sorted. There are so many thoughts and ideas and I find myself wishing, especially lately, that there was something that could instantly record what I was thinking. I’m especially lost without my laptop, because writing by hand slows me down enough that my thoughts overlap and some get forgotten. I try to memorize tiny details and things I find important, and maybe they are memorized somewhere, but wherever they are I can’t find them. I’ve actually recently thought of asking people at nets if it would be okay for me to bring in my laptop to type things, seeing as I don’t know the internet password and they could supervise (to a degree, I still want privacy) to make sure I was on a word document or such. There has been a lot of things going on but most of them involve another party, and whether through anxiety that I am lying or just forgetfulness, the words of the other party in the conflict always end up jumbled or forgotten. Sometimes if I get really upset over somebodies choice of words I try to memorize it or like put in my brain as a thing to remember so that I can talk to people later, but it doesn’t work.

I guess it’s a sign that my depression is ebbing away, at least slightly, with all of those thoughts fighting over which gets to be remembered. But more often than not, it is just frustrating me. I have all these plans, and ideas, and oh-this-could-be-cool’s floating around and getting forgotten, and I get stressed out later because I had so many great ideas earlier that day but they kind of get lost when they are relevant or people ask me about them.

I think a lot of my ideas are kind of just my own version of romanticized teenage-hood, but I’m not sure what could be a real goal or expectation, and what is ridiculous. I’ve talked to other people and it become kind of obvious that we don’t wish for the same things. I find myself choking up whenever somebody I want to share with asks me what my aspirations are, because I feel like they are childish and unrealistic. I guess some of them are really simple, but some of them simply won’t happen unless I somehow manage to control other people’s thought processes and speech while staying sane and feeling as if surrounded by friends, when I’m actually surrounded by myself (impossible, basically).

Through all this thinking and mess, and forgetting the wrong things, and remembering vague parts of things that aren’t the main idea, it’s been harder to sleep. Way harder, if I focus too hard on a part of my body it just tenses and I can’t sleep even when I’m exhausted. If I start focusing on my breath it becomes too long, too loud, or not enough air, or not enough rhythm. If I start closing my eyes but I make the mistake of focusing on my eyes too much, I find my eyes tensing up behind eyelids trying to choose a place to point towards and the strain of too much focus on my eyes makes me unable to close my eyes and sleep without getting a headache or my eyes aching, even if I’m absolutely exhausted. Same with an arm too close to another part of my body, or even the music at night being a little too much, or the noise of the air conditioner a little too disturbing. I’m left with a choice of either laying there for a while trying harder to sleep which usually makes me tense up more, or distracting myself with something out of bed and hoping it will make me tired enough to collapse in the bed later and fall asleep right away.

Randomly my brain skips to whatever place at whatever time, which may or may not have actually happened in reality, and that leads to another and soon it becomes talking about coffee, to remembering a movie, to thinking up a character and some weird plot twists. Honestly I feel like I’ve been losing it, and I feel like I’ve been wasting the things that do come up. I actually had to ask Heather if she had spoken something to me earlier last week, because I wasn’t sure if it was during a life-like dream or if she actually said it. The same was also thought over with a situation involving my little brother but this wasn’t resolved by talking to him because it wasn’t the appropriate thing to do. Both when thought about or asked about proved to actually be a realistic dream that got mixed in with my memories of being awake instead of memories of being asleep.

I know this isn’t good, and I’m probably just paranoid but it didn’t make situations better when Heather asked if this happened often and suggested I bring it up to my doctor. I know that tone of voice and I already get very paranoid that I’m losing myself through my own thoughts, so when people use that tone (the tone I can’t explain but probably have yelled about, maybe even in your office, before) it definitely freaks me out a bit. I’m like a hypochondriac of mental disorders and general mental wellness. Maybe because of all the time people pushed scary diagnosis’s at me from all sides because of people I’m related to or my actions for a week. Maybe I’m just reading into psychology too much, or just psyching myself out because I am bored.